Welcome Home Stranger
by tessmagnolia
Summary: Communication is key, or at least that's what Abby's keeps telling herself. (Carby)
1. Default Chapter

**Disclaimer: **Nope, not mine. Because you know I would share ;)!

**Authors Note:** This is one of two attempts I've done for the OCOH November Challenge. Carter returns from Africa and includes no spoilers after 10:06 I promise.

What is it with this place that makes me feel so much at home? The surgical rotation had been, to put it mildly – challenging. I didn't feel out of my depth so much that the people around me were making things harder. Romano, especially felt like he had to single me out at given moment.

Now it's my first day down in the ER and lucky me, as soon as this night shift is over I'll get the chance of roughly 5 hours sleep before my nursing shift starts.

I get to the admin desk and notice the other 4th years stood around idly, so I figure I should take the initiative and grab a chart. This way I at least get to choose which patients I get to treat. Flicking through the charts I see a nice and easy dispo, which should roughly take half an hour max to deal with. Then I can present my case to Susan, who I'm so glad is doing the graveyard shift with me and find then start the next chart.

"Now that's what I call cunning!" 

Susan is currently looking at me and grinning. I also notice she's wearing her coat.

"Where are you going? Tell me you're not leaving me to do the night shift by myself."

She just grins and shrugs apologetically. "What can I say? Weaver got someone else in."

I groan. "Just promise me it's not Romano – I don't think I could take it."

"You're safe, he's just finished a double." Then she pats my hand reassuringly as she grins evilly. "It's probably Chen, and with Pratt and Coop as the R2's tonight, you'll have fun. I promise."

Yeah tons of fun, I can see it now – Chen arguing with Pratt, Pratt doing some unethical procedure and Coop bed ridden through an asthma attack. 

Fun, fun, fun!

Rolling my eyes at her I make a move to walk away.

"Abby what's wrong?"

Wrong, nothing's wrong, only my eyes appear to be playing tricks on me. And I guess my skin has turned a paler shade of white, oh yeah and my mouths hanging wide open. But nothings wrong that blinking a few times should fix.

Accept that doesn't help and I guess Susan has worked out 'what's wrong'. Her eyes have followed my direction and she sees him to, I guess the shocked smile on her face means that she didn't know about his return either.

And the smile suggests she's happy to see him – what happened to sister solidarity? 

Despite my racing heart I manage to give an outwardly calm appearance. "So he's back then."

Susan turns to look at me, her face sympathetic to what she assumes I'm feeling. "Abby, I promise I didn't know."

"It's okay. I can handle it." My eyes are still trained on him, Carter. It's taken me months to stop thinking about him every other moment of the day and him standing there in front of me has put me right back where I started. 

"Do you want me to stay?"

"I'll be fine." I say more for myself than her.

And I should be fine. It's just one shift and I'd have to face him sooner or later, at least this way I get it over and done with. Hopefully it will be either too busy that we wont cross paths, or slow, in which case I can get in some much needed sleep.

As I look at Susan, I realise that she isn't convinced, so I do the only thing I can. "Come on. Let's go say hello."

Seeing her face twist in confusion gives me the strength to go through with this. I push her ahead of me and we walk towards where Carter is. 

Not that I have a clue what I intend to say to him, I'll just wing it I think. 

"Hey Carter!" That smile she had earlier has reappeared on Susan's face and now she's leaned over to hug him. "So you got roped into covering my graveyard shift."

"Yeah lucky me. Weaver says I have to pay my penance for walking out on the job. Guess I have some trust to earn back, now that I'm home for good."

As he speaks he looks straight at me, but I can't hold his gaze. Not yet, so I look everywhere but at him.

"Well don't worry Abby will keep you company."

I shoot a glare in her direction that wasn't exactly what I had planned for tonight, but I paste a smile on my face as I turn to speak to him.

"Welcome home stranger." So it wasn't exactly profound, the truth never really is.

"Hey." It seems like we we're frozen in time, but it was probably merely a few seconds. 

I realise I'm biting my bottom lip again, so I make a conscious effort to stop.

It also seems like Susan's trying to redeem herself.

"Come on Carter I'll show you where they've put the lounge and introduce you to a few new folk. Talk to you later Abby."

She shoots me a reassuring smile and then takes Carter and pulls him off in the other direction. Leaving me standing there utterly confused.

"Abby, you wanna try helping fix some of these patients, instead of standing there like a wet lettuce."

I throw daggers at his back, as Pratt walks off to inspect the other new med students. He can humiliate them all he wants, but if he thinks he's getting piece out of me then he's going to be sorely tested tonight.

Looking at the chart still in my hands I make my way over to curtain area 3.

*

So far so good, the place is dead, it's 3am, I haven't seen Carter in 2 hours and I've just managed to sneak into an empty exam room. If I'm lucky I can catch a few hours before it's time for my shift to end.

I don't even bother switching on the light I can see the outline of the gurney and head there, shedding my lab coat and dropping it on the counter on the way.

"Ouch!"

"Oh God I'm sorry!" I exclaim as I realise the gurney isn't exactly empty. Then his outline becomes a little clearer. I guess I know where he's been hiding all night.

"Carter." I say pensively. Not quite believing I just sat on him.

"Oh, I was just taking a nap."

"I can see that."  As my eyes adjust under the darkness, I notice he's fluffed up hair and manage to curb my urge to flatten it. To be civil to him is one thing to go out of my way to touch him goes past that. 

I have to remind myself that this is the guy who broke up with me via a letter, the guy who told me I didn't disappoint him but then wrote to me that actually I did. And he's the same guy who broke…

I cut my own thoughts off at that point. I've been down that road too many times over the last 6 months and it's not something that I care to go into right now. Especially now.

"I should let you sleep." I make a move to leave him, but he puts his hand on my arm to stop me.

"I think we need to talk."

"You need your sleep." I avoid his question and his pleading eyes.

"I've had enough." He counters me.

"Well I need my sleep." I say defiantly, this isn't exactly pretty.

"You're a med student you're not supposed to sleep." He sits up, probably to make room for me to join him.

"Yeah I'm a med student, who's on duty. I should go before Pratt sends out a search party."

"And I'm your attending and I need you to help me in here."

"You need help alright, but I'm not sure it's something I can help you out with."

We stand there glaring at each other, but he has a point. I just don't want to deal with it right now.

"John it's late. Can we do this another time?" I say this quietly, the earlier irritation in my voice has gone.

"If we do that things will just get worse."

"They couldn't get any worse." I mutter under my breath but I know he hears me.

"Please. I didn't leave things the best possible way, the least you can do is hear me out."

I think about it for a moment. If I listen to him I can prove to myself that I have changed that these last few months getting on with my life have been worth it. But if I turn and run on my heel we'll have to face each other at some point and I will disappoint him yet again. Despite everything that happened between us, I still don't want to disappoint him.

I walk over to the door and I know he thinks it's to leave, but I turn on the light and flick the lock. I don't want anyone disturbing us.

I look up and notice the thankful smile on his face.

"So, you're back in med school."

"Yeah." I smile at that.

"Well I'm proud of you."

I look into his eyes and I know he genuinely means it. I feel I should explain more, but doing so opens up the whole can of worms that accompanies the letter, but if I don't bring it up he's sure to and if he doesn't, then it will hang over us.

"I wanted to do something for myself for once. Everything I've done has been for other people, either to help them or because it's what they expect it of me. But being in med school was the one thing that is rightfully mine. My decision and affects only me. And I have you to thank for that."

"What did I do?" He says curiously

"That letter you wrote…"

"I want to explain about that." He cuts me off, but I put my hand up to quieten him and then place it slowly but deliberately over his own. He looks in so much pain right now, that I want to comfort him in some way; because what happened what ever the future holds for us, we started off as friends and that's one thing about this whole turn of events that I regret most.

"It's okay. It was a good thing. I mean sure I wanted to hate you and hate myself and… But the more I thought about what you wrote the more I understood that most of what you wrote was right."

I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to say, but I don't want him to explain. He already broke my heart once I couldn't bear for him to do it again.

"Like you said, I disappointed you, and at the time we only seemed to be hurting each other. I'm sorry I hurt you." And that's the one thing I was always honest about. "When I asked for my keys back and…" I stutter over the next thing. "and gave you all your stuff. I meant to hurt you; I just wanted you to feel half the pain that I felt when you left me."

"Oh Abby I'm sorry." I realise that the tears I've held in for so long are falling down my cheeks, so I quickly brush them away. This isn't the time for crying.

But it's hard to disguise the tears in my voice as I speak.

"No it's good, you made me realise some things. They say you always hurt the ones you love, well I guess we got that covered good and proper; and secondly everyone I care for always leaves me." I feel his hand turn round under my own and he squeezes it tightly. I want to snatch it back, he doesn't have the right to comfort me over this; but the part of me that still cares about him and wants to be held by him wins and I squeeze his hand back.

"You know, I'm okay. It's what made me realise I had to suck it up and get on with things." I look into his eyes now and see his mirror mine with tears. "I screwed everything up because of my life being on hold, and I lost us. I lost our friendship."

We sit there for a few minutes both lost in our thoughts, our hands still interlinked and that's where my focus lies.

"I never meant for us to lose our friendship." His voice is barely a whisper but it's enough to break my trance on our hands and forces me to look at him. His eye's searching mine for something. I'm not quite sure at the moment what. "I just, we just."

"Stopped communicating." I finish for him and he just nods. "We had a screwed up year and important things got lost along the way."

"I figured it would be easy, that everything would fall into place."

"I know." I'd felt exactly the same. "But things change."

"We've both changed Abby. I know you think that people don't change but you've proved over these last six months that you have. And I know Africa has made me see things differently."

I nod before speaking, I always thought people stayed the same at least on the inside; but he's right. People can change, but only if you allow them to. So I tell him this I figure he deserves the truth. Then I ask. "So why did you come back, why now?"

I'm not sure why this is important to me.

"It was the right time. I'd learnt everything I could from the Congo, the Foundation was getting concerned with things; and… I missed you."

I feel myself blushing under his warm gaze.

"Over there you have plenty of time, mostly at night, to think. You relive your mistakes and joys, happy and bad times. What I remembered most, was us; what we had in the beginning was friendship. A solid base for any relationship. So I came back to see if I had any chance at finding that friendship again."

"So what happens now?" I ask, curious as to where he wants this relationship to go. I asked the same thing to Luka to, but this time around I'm hoping for a chance to go back to the beginning.

I watch as he jumps off the gurney and then he pulls to my feet, before stepping away.

"John Carter." He offers out his hand, as grin on his face.

"Abby Lockhart." I accept his hand and return the smile.

I get my wish after all.

"Abby? Someone once told me it was Abigail."

I laugh and swat him good-humouredly on his arm.

2nd Authors note: There will be quite a few fics with the same title and voting over at OCOH starts on Sunday, so go choose your favourite one.


	2. Part2

**Chapter 2**

"Abby!" I hear a voice shout my name. As I turn round there's nobody insight, well no one I recognise. The place is overrun with patients and not a single member of staff seems to be in evidence.

"Abby!" I turn again and then I see her grinning like a fool at me. I return the gesture and make my way over to where Susan is 'sat' on the floor. 

Offering her my hand, I pull her to her feet. "What happened?"

Her infectious laughter causes me to laugh along with her. "I slipped."

"I can see that."

We head towards the admin desk where Frank is shaking his head muttering about patient workload and the lack of motivation in the staff.

"I was trying to hide." She then says sheepishly. I give her my best 'huh' look, which forces her to continue. "From Weaver." Now she's got me entirely confused. "She wants me to help her with a presentation she's giving to the board. So I've sorta being avoiding her all day."

She stops here as if that answers all my questions. "So what? You were running and slipped?"

"Yeah pretty much." She's grinning goofily again. "There was water on the floor and I went splat on my ass. Talking of my ass."

I watch amusedly as she tries to turn around and inspect her behind. She momentarily reminds me of a puppy dog chasing its tail. "Susan?"

"Hmm?" She replies somewhat distractedly.

"What about your ass?"

"Is it wet?"

"Susan, I don't think you realise this, but I have no desire what so ever to check out your ass." I deadpan, and then laugh again. She gives me an irritated look, but she can't hold it and falls into fits again. I guess I should tell her she's in the clear, but part of me is enjoying the entertainment value.

"What's so funny?" Carter asks as he approaches. I smile at him and then turn back to Susan, raising my eyebrows telling her to explain. When she doesn't, I give my slightly distorted version.

"Susan has concocted some plan where she is getting me to check out her, ahem, 'assets'." Susan retaliates sticking her tongue out at me. "Susan you're fine."

"Weaver!" she suddenly exclaims. And is still brushing down the back of lab coat as she scurries in the opposite direction to Kerry.

"Did you see where Susan went?" Kerry asks as she reaches us. 

I manage to keep a straight face while I shrug and point towards the lounge, where I know she'll find Morris slacking off again. Two birds with one shot, score one for me.

"So? You going to tell me what that was about?" Carter asks once Kerry is out of earshot.

"Susan's trying to get out of a presentation with Weaver and in the process slid on some water landing on her ass."

He grins slightly, I guess you had to be there and see Susan sprawled on the floor to get the full affect.

"So you're a doctor today."

"What gave it away? The lab coat, or my ability to suture the next patient who walks through the door?" He grins at me, taking my comments light heartedly.

"What?" I ask as he continues to watch me.

"It's kinda working for ya." 

I can't believe he just said that and I can't believe I'm actually starting to blush. I don't blush. But then again he's looking just as uncomfortable as me. 

It's going to take a while for us to get used to the whole 'friends' routine.

I do the only thing I can do to take away the discomfort and blatantly change the subject. "You hear about the latest with Pratt and Gallants sister?"

"Nope?"

"Damn, I hoped you could have shed some gossip on this. Chuni's been on the mission for a week and hasn't come up with a thing."

"I guess you're going to have to find someone else to do your dirty work."

I laugh at this. Then something momentarily hits me. If this time last week someone would have told me I would be laughing and joking with Carter I wouldn't have believed them.

This is the fourth shift we've worked together, but only my second as a med student. Well since last time. The other two shifts we were both pretty busy, so we haven't really had chance to talk. I had expected him to at least call me, but he seems to be taking things slow, either that or he's waiting for me to make the first move.

"Well?"

"Huh?" I guess I must have drifted during his question.

"Do you want to go for lunch together?"

A part of me really wants to do this, but it's not that simple, so I'm reluctant to agree.

"I could help you study."

I bite down on my lip, actually contemplating it, then he seals the deal. "Come on Abby I can help you study for your exam next week that I heard you mention to Susan about and I can give you an energy boost and buy you some chocolate cake."

I smile slyly at him; he really knows which buttons to press. "Okay, but as long as I get ice-cream."

"Ice-cream." He mocks surprise at me. "But it's the middle of winter."

I flash him a smile as I pick up a chart and head over to exam 1.

*

Walking into the lounge I'm immediately confronted by Susan, who is sat on the sofa, her feet up, a coffee mug in one hand and a newspaper resting in her lap. I see she's having a busy shift.

"You and Carter seem to be on friendly terms." 

"Is this your subtle way of asking me what's going on?"

"Pretty much, yeah." She smiles and sits up.

"To be honest I'm not sure."

"You want to grab some lunch?"

"I can't."

"Oh." She raises her eyebrows questioningly at me.

"Carter asked me first." Somehow Susan's eyebrows manage to rise a further notch, before almost falling off the sofa.

Laughing, I make my way over to grab my things from my locker. A slight attempt to avoid her questions, in all honesty I know it won't work. Luckily my saviour arrives in the unlikeliest form.

"Ah Susan. Just the person."

"Kerry?" Susan responds in all innocence. 

"Follow me. I have something to ask you."

I watch, with a slight smirk on my face that doesn't go unnoticed by Susan, as she reluctantly gets up and follows the chief of staff.

*

I decided to wait for Carter across the road. He'd been caught by a frequent flyer and there was no way I was getting roped in. So I had smiled sweetly and motioned that I would meet him over the road at 'Ikes'.

The menu for all it's worth is a bit better than Docs but the prices match so it isn't exactly better. I'm rereading the main course section when for the second time in as many minutes the waitress comes over to ask for my order. So figuring it would save time, I order for the both of us. Guessing that Carter's tastes in food and drink wouldn't have changed that much in the last six months.

"I can't believe you left me to deal with that." Carter grumbles as he sits down opposite me. Which causes me to smirk slightly.

We sit in silence for what feels like hours as I play with my napkin and he irritatingly drums his fingers on the table. 

I guess I didn't think about the logistics about this whole 'aloneness' together.

"The waitress is taking a while to come over." Carter finally breaks the silence and relief momentarily blows over me.

"Um, yeah. I ordered for you. I hope it's okay." I try to give him a confident smile, but maybe what I did was a little too personal. He's currently giving me a weird look, which I can't interpret, and the fact that I can't work it out irritates me slightly.

"It's fine." His words come out clipped, but luckily for me the waitress chooses that moment to bring over our food and the look on Carter's face as he sees what he orders brings a smile to my face.

"You remembered."

I nodded and started to tuck into my toasted sandwich.

*

_"I hope you're not busy tonight, because I have a bottle of lemonade, chips and a comedy chick flick with our names on it. I'll be there at seven!"_ Is the message left on my answer machine.

Looking at my watch a groan slips from my lips as I realise it's 6:45. A quick wash, then I change into my sweats and I'm good to go. 

*

"It was weird."

"Weird how?" The movie had finished and we were sat munching the cold pizza on my old sofa.

"I don't know, I mean I knew it was going to be hard. I just didn't realise how hard it would be." Susan was giving me a sympathetic look, which really isn't helping, but this is something I need to get off my chest.

"Last week we decided to start over as friends. And then he doesn't call, but maybe I should have called him. It was a mutual decision and maybe he was waiting for me to make the first move. But it doesn't matter." I shake my head knowing that I'm rambling, but it's helping sort things out in my head. "Then today we were joking at admin. It was like we'd gone back in time for a second."

"What did he say?" Susan asked me quietly, she didn't want to break my train of thought, but this was Susan and she wouldn't be happy until she knew all the details.

"Just some comment about my lab coat." I gesture the absurdity with my hands and see the confusion on her face, but right now I don't want to elaborate. "At the time I was embarrassed and now it just seems strange that we could slip back into relationship mode. Then I tried changing topics and he asked me out to lunch."

I take that opportunity to sip some more of the lemonade Susan brought round. The bittersweet taste catching me slightly off guard and I shiver involuntarily.

"You okay?" I nod, and then she asks me. "What happened at lunch? You seemed so excited to go and afterwards you avoided me and him and then ran off before I could talk to you."

"I just made a stupid mistake and I knew at the time it was dumb, I just figured it would save time if I ordered for us. I'd just get him his favourite and I figured he'd be happy. And he was fine, it was just he was initially annoyed that I'd done something so personal, but then he saw what I'd ordered and he seemed fine. But it didn't exactly start us off on the right footing." I'm rambling again. 

So I pause to reassess my thoughts. Leaning forward I place my head in my hands, and then Susan's hand come to rest reassuringly on my arm.

"And it's not like we even argued." I begin again. "We just couldn't find out the right level to where we stood. It's like we'd forgotten how to talk and everything we could talk about seemed sort of taboo. Africa was hanging over us like a black cloud and everything we said came back to that.

"Maybe it was a mistake in even thinking we could start over. I was trying to be all strong in front of him, but I don't know." I shrug to signify my complete bewilderment over everything.

"Abby… Abby look at me." I sit up and face her, wondering what words of wisdom she wants to bestow upon me. "You are strong, you managed not to break down when he left. You've put your life back together and your doing really well for yourself and you should be proud."

I glance away at her compliments, but she knows it's what I need to hear so she continues. "I know things are hard for you right now and you've got more baggage than last time you tried this. But you've got past the worst of it and I'm sure he's feeling as insecure as you are right now. So next time you see him, set up some ground rules and work out how you can start being friends again."

"I know." I do know she's right. So I whisper, "I just couldn't bear to get close to him and then have him leave me again." And that's the real fear I have right now and as I look back at Susan I know she realises it to.

**Authors Notes: **Thanks to *anonymous* for telling me to get creative while at work!

Thanks to everyone who reviewed the first chapter, it eventually gave me the motivation to write part 2.

Just a little ps, Chapter 10 of 'Trouble' is ready to roll and I've been assured that it will be up at The Lounge this weekend and at Lyns's site at some point soon.


	3. Part 3

Chapter 3 

"We need you in trauma 1." 

I hear Susan's voice and I really want to react to it, but I've just come off a 12-hour nursing shift and am half way through my med student shift. And too put it mildly, I'm bloody knackered. I'm not sure how they convinced me to work it, but I'm pretty sure a combination of fatigue, stress and my bank balance played a huge part in my acceptance. Plus Susan has a knack for finding me at my most vulnerable to ask me any favour.

She's actually poking me now and I know that she'll suddenly pull my feet off the couch if I don't stir soon.

"I know you're awake. I can see your eyes flicking open."

I groan inwardly and turn over to face the back of the couch. Hoping she'll leave me alone. Five more minutes is all I'll need, just five minutes. 

"Abby! Move it!" I cover my ears to her yells. So now I guess she knows for sure I'm awake.

I turn over onto my back and cover my face slightly with my hands, letting my eyes adjust slowly to the light.

"Can't Neela take it?"

"No Neela's done her share today."

"But you said if I worked the graveyard as a nurse you'd go easy on me today." I argue back, though I already know it's in futile. Susan in this mood was a force to be reckoned with.

She gives me that look, I don't know how she manages it.

"Fine." I give in and then push myself to a sitting position before swinging my legs off the side of the couch. "But you owe me for this."

*

The trauma had been not so much a trauma as a complete mess of human organs and the task seemed futile to begin with. But it was a child and there was an unwritten rule that you worked harder to save the innocent, those who didn't deserve to have their life ended so sharply or under such extreme and violent circumstances.

"Time of death. 12:27."

I glance at Pratt who was the one who decided to end our vying attempts. Then my eyes settle on Elizabeth, I know losing children of this age is affecting her somewhat more than usual.

She's also taking Romano's untimely death that occurred last week worse than I'd expected. It shook the hospital more than anyone had realised, but Elizabeth was so much closer to the man. So much more than a lot of people realised, and when people hadn't attended the memorial service she had painstakingly organised, she'd withdrawn slightly into herself. 

I give her, what I hope is, an encouraging smile and make my way out of the room to go find Susan. I'm thinking that once my end of term exams are finished a girls night out is definitely on the cards.

*

"Hey." I turn round and see Carter stood grinning at me from the other side of the admin desk.

"Hey yourself." I pick up the next chart in the rack and pull a face.

"What you got?" I turn the chart round so he can see for himself and I guess he finds it funny. Well I'll soon stop that smile on his face.

I flick through the remaining charts and find the perfect one, and make sure I swap it with him just as Susan gets there.

"Talk to you later." I say as I walk away, leaving Carter wondering why I'm smiling so much.

*

"You spoke to him yet."

"No." I lift my eyes up from the newspaper in time to see Susan flop down onto the sofa. I can't help but grin, after the way she had me running ragged after pulling two shifts yesterday, she deserves to be tired. "Tough shift?"

"Something like that." She closes her eyes while she continues talking. "Who would have thought Romano did that much actual work as Chief of Emergency."

"Has Kerry offered you the position?"

"Not yet, and at this moment I'd probably turn it down. I'm so knackered."

I laugh good-naturedly at her misfortune, though I can't help but feel slightly bitter. She isn't the one killing herself doing one full and one part time job. At least with exams on at the moment I'm not pulling as many med student shifts, but the pressure at getting good grades is starting to get at me. I don't know what happened, first time round I sucked at the practical stuff and was doing great in my studies now I seemed to have done a one-eighty and no sign of how to get myself out of it.

"You really should go talk to him." Susan interrupts my thoughts.

"Huh? Who?"

"Carter." She laughs giving me a knowing look. I guess she thinks he's all I think about. But she's right I could talk to him, I could take him up on his offer to help me study.

"Maybe." I reply, as it dawns on me that I may have found my way to get out of this studying slump. It would also help with the actual talking to him, as any awkward silences can be filled with 'what symptoms would you look for to get the differential of an acute MI', or some other weird ass illness Carter can come up with.

*

"Frank? Where's Carter?"

"Do I look like his mother?"

"Frank." I warn.

"He's working on his charts in the suture room."

"Thanks."

"Hey." I say, somewhat more cheerily than necessary as I walk through the doors and perch on the edge of the gurney that he's working on.

"Hey yourself." He echoes my own words from the previous day.

"You doing anything tonight." Way to be subtle I chide myself.

"I have a date with my couch, but that's about it. Why?"

"My medicine exam is on Monday and I could really do with some help." I say, with a somewhat hopeful expression on my face.

"So all you want me for is my brains." He teases me.

"Pretty much." I laugh with him. "Well?"

"Your place or mine?" I know it was meant as a joke, but we both caught the nuances those words usually have and the tension in the room suddenly seemed to explode.

"Mine." I say, slightly stuttering. "Around 7:30, I'll cook. Just bring yourself and any decent journals. Bye."

I say the rest of it without taking a breath and try not to run out of the room. That was to close for comfort. 

I almost immediately bump into Susan, I'm not quite sure what she's doing stood outside, but she's grinning and I guess she thinks some sort of break through has happened.

"Did you talk to Elizabeth yet?" I say nonchalantly.

She looks like she wants to say something else, but changes her mind in order to carry on 'playing my game.' "She's busy tonight, but I made her agree to come out after your exams."

"Great," I smile. At least it's a start.

I walk away, but don't get too far.

"Abby?"

"Yes?" I turn around, feigning innocence.

"Well?"

"Well what?" I say carrying on the façade.

"You and Carter?"

"What about me and Carter? Didn't you get the memo… we broke up months ago."

"Abby." She's turned serious. I guess I'm in trouble, again.

"Okay." I walk closer to her and lean in like I'm going to tell her some big secret. "We've just decided…" I pause to make her suffer even more. "To study."

"Oh." She looks down trodden, but then suddenly perks up. Leave it to Susan to find the positive in everything. "Like a study date?"

"No, like two people studying… Come on, time for work." I drag her from outside the suture room I don't want Carter hearing Susan's optimistic and somewhat unrealistic wishes.

*

I look around my apartment, not much has changed since he was last here. Any reminders of him had been stored away long ago and put in a box aptly labelled Carter. I guess I should think about giving him back the rest of his belongings, but part of me still doesn't want that phase to end.

The doorbell breaks my frantic last minute tidying and reaching for my purse I go to answer the door. I know I said I'd cook, but pizza seemed like a much better option and Dominos had this great offer where you buy any large pizza and you get a free dessert, drink and garlic bread.

"Oh! It's you!"

"Expecting someone else?" He asks in amusement.

"Yeah pizza guy." I look behind him in the hopes of spotting him. 

"I thought you were cooking tonight." He asks as he walks past me to the lounge area, where he drops his coat casually, too casually. I stop myself at that thought, and pull the 'studying' thought back to the front. I bring my eyes to his face and he's looking at me in amusement, oh yeah he asked me a question.

"I figured we'd have more study time this way. Plus I didn't want to explain to Kerry why you couldn't make it into work tomorrow."

"Don't be so hard on yourself. I've tasted your cooking and you shouldn't put yourself down."

Why do I suddenly feel embarrassed under his compliments? The doorbell rings again and I'm relieved at the temporary escape it brings.

I bring the pizza through to the kitchen putting it onto the worktop and the Vienetta into the freezer. Carter has, in the mean time, arranged all our combined books and journals onto the kitchen table.

"What do you want to do? Eat first then study… Eat and study together or study then eat and then study again?" I ask, pasting a smile on my face to hide the influx of nerves I seem to have gotten.

"We should probably eat and study. Wouldn't want the pizza to go cold!" He winks at me and my smile becomes more genuine.

I fill two cups with the soda and place two slices of pizza onto a plate then join Carter at the table.

The evening went along much smoother than our previous meal. He seemed to have a knack of explaining things that stayed in my head. I would go as far as to say that it was an enjoyable night.

"You want to stay for another coffee?" I ask pensively as we pack away our respective journals.

"I'd better not." He answers; I just nod, biting my bottom lip nervously. He was right, the evening had been great, and we shouldn't do too much to soon.

I walk him to the door. Where he turns round, leans against the doorframe and says. "I had a good night tonight."

I smile, nodding and I know what is coming next. He leans down and softly kisses my cheek. My heart pounding at the sudden intimacy.

"I should go." He whispers in my ear.

"Yeah." My voice as soft as his. The voice of reason in my head not liking how close he's standing, my heart has other ideas. Looking into his eyes I can see the same desire that are in my own. He leans forward again, and I know that in seconds our lips would meet.

"I can't." I manage to say, my voice still soft. My mind finally overpowering my desire. Stumbling back, I manage to catch and right myself. "Not yet."

"It's okay. Abby?' He waits until I'm looking up at him, then reaches across and squeezes my hand. "It's too soon."

He leans over and kisses my forehead. "Sleep well." Then before I can snap myself out of this daze he closes the door and walks away.

I can't believe he still has the ability to bring out these feelings in me. Or rather I can, I just thought I'd buried them. 

His last words echo through my head. _"Sleep well."_ Like I'm really going to be able to sleep now. 


	4. Part 4

Chapter 4 

"I can't believe how calm you are." I'm standing here a nervous wreck, while Neela is apparently taking it all in her stride.

"It's the only way to be." She smiles, and right now I would like nothing better to wipe the smile off her face. Jealous? Maybe… she's young, smart and is going to ace this test, while I'll be lucky to escape with a passing grade.

"You ready for this?" Lester walks up behind us. I nod trying to place a smile on my face. "Lets go then."

I follow him and Neela reluctantly into the exam room. Yesterday Carter had helped me study and last night I was feeling a lot less worried than I am right now. I find my allocated desk and before I know it the tutor has given out the papers and is telling us to begin.

Ok, this all right. I tell myself. The first question is relatively basic. I take quick glance over the rest of the paper and smile slightly. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad after all.

*

"How did it go?"

"Okay." I don't want to sound too optimistic.

"Okay?" I guess Susan wants more of a response than that.

"It went okay, I answered all the questions and had a pretty good idea of what they wanted."

"Well that's sounds good." Yeah, I guess it does. "And what about yesterday?"

I can just picture her smiling on the other side of the phone.

"Yesterday went fine to. He's a great teacher."

"And?"

"And what?"

"Geez Abby, it's like trying to get blood out of stone talking to you today."

"And nothing. He just helped me study." Apparently she's not going to be satisfied until she has every detail.

"So he didn't try and kiss you again?"

"No, he was the perfect Gentleman."

"And you're happy about this."

"Of course." I answered quickly, possibly a little too quickly, but lucky for me Susan didn't pick up on it. 

"Well Carter seemed in good spirits, you must have done something to put him in this good of a mood."

"Really?" I'm surprised at the shock in my voice.

"Yeah, don't tell me you're not surprised."

"Well maybe just a little."

"So what exactly did you do all day?" I have to laugh at this; Susan lives off gossip and the juicier the better.

"All we did was study, take a break for lunch and then he went home. He didn't kiss me goodbye or even touch me by accident."

"So you're telling me you spent the whole day together and nothing happened."

"Yep." I smile at her apparent annoyance. I guess she was hoping for a little more. So I say with a slight annoyance in my own voice. "Susan, I don't know if you realise this or not, but a week ago we decided to start back as friends, two weeks ago we didn't know he was coming home, six months ago he broke up with me and 8 months ago he began on a spiral of self destruction. I'm not ready for anything to start up again and neither is he."

"I know. Abby I'm sorry. I do tend to get swept up in the moment don't I?" And she does sound sincere.

"Yep you do." She may be sorry, but I'm not letting her off the hook so easily. 

"But down the line?" She says eagerly and at this point I swear she has more invested in this relationship than I do, well maybe not, but she does tend to voice it a lot more than I do.

"I'm not promising anything right now. The guy is still sorting out his stuff and so am I." I pause momentarily," I don't have time for a full time relationship. I'm having enough trouble balancing nursing and life as a med student."

"But you're open to suggestions?"

I don't understand why she keeps pushing this. Then the penny drops. "Have you been talking to Carter?"

"Maybe." Now she sounds somewhat sheepish.

"What has he said?" Now I'm actually annoyed, he doesn't have the right and nor does she to talk about my feelings behind my back. I'm currently ignoring the small niggling voice in the back of my head, the one that tells me that they are my friends and are only concerned about me.

"He just wants to know how things have been while he was away." Susan's voice sounds slightly desperate, trying to dig herself out of the small hole she's created.

"So he's been checking up on me."

"I wouldn't say that."

"Well I would." I can't believe his gall.

"I would call it concern."

"Like he has the right." I mutter, though loud enough that she hears.

"He still cares about you Abby." 

"Right." I scoff. "If he cares so damn much, why did it take him six months to come home."

That shuts her up, but only briefly.

"Abby he screwed up. Most of us do that from time to time. And I thought you'd decided to try and get past it."

"We did." I admit reluctantly.

"So what's the problem?"

"I guess there isn't one." I bite off bitterly. And I don't really want to carry on with this conversation. "Susan, I have to go."

"Abby?" Say asks apprehensively.

"Yeah."

"You are okay, aren't you?"

"I'm fine. Look Susan, I'm tired, hungry and I just want to eat and collapse on my bed."

"Okay. I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"I just thought you two had gotten over it."

"I know and I'm getting there. It just… it hurts." I whisper the latter, but I know she hears me. "I know I'm not innocent in all of this, but I can't help feeling this way. Part of me just wants to forget everything that happened and have us back the way we were, but the other part keeps telling me he broke my heart and I shouldn't get to close."

"Abby, I'm sorry." I know she's grasping for the right words to sooth me, but there's not much she could say.

"Me too. But we're working on it. And part of me is happy that he's concerned, but it boils down to trust and timing. We just have to get it right."

"And I'm sure you will." Her voice is full of optimism. 

"Yeah," I lose myself in my own world for a moment and barely acknowledge Susan's goodbye, before I put down the receiver myself.

I potter slowly round the kitchen, I figured my best bet is to make a sandwich, grab a bag of crisps, and eat it curled up in front of the tele. There's got to be something on that I can lose myself in for half an hour.

*

I don't think I've laughed so hard in months. I'd forgotten how funny Will and Grace is, normally repeats bug me, but tonight it was a relief. The only other options were some documentary of life in a hospital – which I could really do without - and some old sitcom with past it actors and unfunny lines. I'm half way through the second part when someone knocks on the door I almost jump out of my seat. It's probably the old lady from next door, coming to complain about the _loud_ noise coming from the television.

Reluctantly I turn the sound down and the knocking comes again. I guess patience isn't a virtue they have.

"Oh." Well this isn't who I was expecting, "Carter? What are you doing here?"

"What? No how are you? It's great to see you and by the way thanks for all your help yesterday." He's grinning as he says this. "You going to let me or should I stand here all night?"

"Oh right yeah, come in." I watch him move across the room, pausing in front of the bookcase. I read his expression, confusion and then joy. He picks up the picture frame and shows it to me with a smile on his face. "Where did you get this?"

"Frank found an old camera at thanksgiving and that photo was on it."

"We look great on it."

I nod, the picture is one of those action ones where every ones doing something and in the centre there's Carter and I laughing. He's gently touching my arm and is probably one of the rare occasions when I actually smiled that Christmas.

The look on his face tells me he's confused that I have it up, but my reasons can wait for another day. He doesn't need to know that that's one of the few photos of us that I can actually look at without getting too saddened.

"You want to watch the end of Will and Grace?" I motion for him to follow me to sit down and I turn the volume up. Ignoring his look of annoyance, my house, my TV therefore I get to choose. Besides half an hour ago I was mad with him, not that he knows it, but this is my silent form of protest.

Out of the corner I can see him debating where to sit, but in the end he chooses the space next to me.

I try to settle back into the programme but it's proving difficult having him so close. He on the other hand, despite his misgivings of my choice, seems to be enjoying it

"And who's he." 

"Sean Hayes." I say dismissively.

"Didn't they just call him Jack?"

"Um yeah, but I thought, no… never mind."

* 

I think I've got him hooked. Turns out it's a Will and Grace marathon evening. And after the initial who's who, who's dating who and what's the whole deal with the Will and Grace relationship, Carter finally settled down to watch it. Leaving me to my thoughts.

During the third episode, I move to get us some drinks and turn down the lights. Who needs conversation when there's entertainment right there at a push of a button.

The thing is, his question about the whole Will and Grace saga has got me thinking. They were friends, then lovers then they split up and are now _just_ best friends. I glance quickly over at Carter, who's chuckling to himself, and realise that's where we're heading. So why do I feel slightly dejected by this. Obviously I do realise that Will is gay and Carter most definitely isn't, but it's the same, right? We tried the friendship routine and for the most part it worked, yet as lovers we couldn't get it right. I sigh quietly to myself.

"You okay?"

"Just tired." Which is true, I wasn't lying to Susan earlier. I'm physically exhausted and on the path to being emotionally drained.

"Come here then." He says softly and motions for me to snuggle into his chest, his arm wraps round me pulling me closer. I want to resist I should just tell him to leave or at least curl up on the other side of the sofa, but this is so much easier and feels right.

*

"Abby," I hear him first and then feel a light touch on my forehead. I just don't have the energy to move or reply. 

"Abby?" He tries to get my attention again, saying my name a little louder. I turn my head into the cushion, that's appeared under my head, trying to block out his voice. "Okay have it your way." He finally relents.

Then suddenly I'm in his arms, as he's carrying me to, what I assume is, the bedroom.

He gently places me on the bed and arranges it so I'm under the covers. Then I feel him kiss me softly on the lips before whispering goodnight.

**Authors note: **Merry Christmas guys! I'm off to sun myself in Spain for the holidays so no updates for a while. Take care and have a 'merry' New Year. I also hope the Will and Grace thing made sense, I know where I wanted it to go but I'm still not 100% sure I got it there.

I'd also like to thank everyone for their support with their reviews, the words of wisdom and praise were greatly appreciated.


	5. Part 5

Chapter 5 

"Good morning!" I say cheerily as I literally breeze through the door. 

Frank's on the front desk and gives me a 'your nuts' look so I smile sweetly in return. Turning round, I spy Pratt loitering round the new nurse and Susan is giving me another weird look.

"And what's so cheery about it?" She asks.

"What's not to like? Coffee?"

"Sure." She follows me into the lounge; obviously eager to know why I'm in such good spirits.

"So, what's the deal?" She finally asks when we're settled at the table.

"What deal? Can't a girl be happy?"

"Well yeah, but not this happy and definitely not before she's about to start a 12 hour shift."

I'll give her, her do's. No one should ever be happy about being here for 12 hours. 

"Well?" She prods further as I neglect to answer her.

"What?" I say innocently. "The sun is shining, the grass is covered in a beautiful blanket of snow and there's not a cloud in the sky."

"Have you been taking happy pills?" She's looking at me like I've gone crazy. 

"Okay." I finally relent and tell her _most _of the reasons for my good mood. "My exams are over and I may have done more than enough to get the passing grade I predicted. It's three days until Christmas and I'm not working that day. It's not actually snowing. I managed to find _the_ perfect seat on the El and didn't get splashed walking to work. Plus Maggie and Eric are still on their meds, doing their own thing and won't even be bothering me this year."

"Well I guess those are as good as reasons as ever, but there's something you're not telling me."

I smile back at her. There are some secrets that are meant to stay that way, even from best friends, or at least until they become more promising.

"When do you get your results?"

"January 10th."

"Oh!" She exclaims as realises the connection. "Well great, double celebration."

"Susan, don't even think about it." I warn.

"Come on. It'll be fun." Then she adds when I don't reply. "Besides it _was_ your idea."

Where'd she get that from? I laugh nervously, I know I've been tired recently but I'm sure I would remember arranging to go out for my birthday. So I say in my most intelligent tone. "Huh?"

"Don't you remember?" She shakes her head at me laughing, so she thinks my temporary memory loss is funny. "A few weeks ago, you told me we should take Elizabeth out. So technically we would be killing three birds with one stone."

"Yeah, technically." I say slightly relenting, though I'm shaking my head 'no' at her suggestion.

The door to the lounge opens, and I smile briefly before turning my attention back to Susan. 

"Good morning ladies."

"Ladies huh?" Susan asks, her eyebrows lifting in amusement. Now she's winking at me, like she's suddenly put two and two together and come up with 58. Just because both Carter and I come in, in good moods doesn't mean a thing. 

Turns out the 'Will and Grace' saga isn't as bad as it seems. You get all the benefits without the complications of 'being together'. We still haven't connected properly yet, I know there's something he's not telling me and there are a few things that I'm not ready to explain either, but we're getting there slowly. And I couldn't be happier. 

"What are you doing for Christmas?" Susan directs this question at Carter. He looks at me first and I shake my head discreetly. Susan doesn't need to know everything.

"The family thing, trying to make sure the day runs peacefully." He answers vaguely. I silently thank him and hope that Susan doesn't catch the glances between the two of us.

"And you're spending the day sleeping. Well isn't that just great!" She says in a self-pitying voice, "So I'm stuck working Christmas all alone."

"Pratt and Chen will be here, so that should make things fun." I mimic the words she said to me a month ago.

"Oh yeah. Tons!" She sticks her tongue out at me and then does a double take when she looks at the clock. "Well I guess it's back to the grind. See you out there soon."

She smiles as she walks back out into the ER jungle. Leaving Carter and I alone. Once he's put his stuff away he comes and joins me at the table, we still have a few minutes before our shift begins.

"So…" He drags out the word and smiles. "You're playing nurse today huh?"

"Yeah, my bank balance feels it's necessary."

We sit in a comfortable silence, until Carter breaks it. Laughing as he talks. "You told Susan you were sleeping all day."

"Yeah lousy lie, huh? But she seemed to buy it. Guess she's been polite just recently, when she's told me I don't look shattered."

"You never looked shattered." I raise my eyebrow up at him inquisitively; I want to know where he's taking this. "You just looked, you looked…."

I guess he can't find a polite word to describe it, so I figure I should help him out. "Weary, tired, exhausted, worn-out, pooped?" I say the last word knowing it would bring a smile to his face. "Seriously Carter, I know I looked rough, hell if I hadn't you would have known something wasn't right."

"Okay fine you looked 'pooped'." He admits defeated. "Good film last night though."

He's referring to our return to childhood. We went to the late showing of 'Elf' he'd had a rough day at work. I'd just completed my last piece of coursework and complete escapism seemed the best way to celebrate.

"I felt like I was 15 again." I tell him, "one year I sneaked Eric out of the house and took him to go see the Santa Claus, you know the one with Dudley Moore in it."

"Yeah I know the one."

"You went to see it?" I ask incredibly. 

"Yes," he laughs. "It was a good movie."

"It was a cheesy movie." I bite back.

"Cheese can be good." He argues light-heartedly. 

"Yeah." I give him a look of mock disbelief. 

"What? It can." This guy is so cute when he gets all defensive. I have to reprimand myself for thinking such thoughts, telling myself that John Carter is just a friend. You've moved on with your life and so has he. So why is it getting increasingly harder to convince myself?

"Come on." I take his hand pulling him to his feet. "We've got work to do."

"Meet me for lunch?" He asks optimistically.

"Sure. Then you can try and convince me more on your theory that 'cheese can be good'."

* 

"Ready?" Carter asks. I'm sat aimlessly playing FreeCell while he finishes up with his patient. Looking up at him I nod and reach over to pick up my bag and coat. "Great, I'll just grab my coat and we can leave."

"So." Chuny looks at me expectantly.

"So?" I reply, feigning complete innocence in her unsubtle prying.

"You and Carter?"

"Me and Carter?" I furrow my eyebrows, trying to suggest complete ignorance as to what she's implying.

"What's going on with you two?"

"Nothing." I see him approach and when he gets into earshot I say. "Carter's just treating me to lunch."

I smirk up at him.

"Oh, I am, am I?" His eyes twinkle down at me.

"It was in the fine print." I turn back and grin at Chuny and then take his arm guiding him out of the building; if we don't leave now we'll get dragged into the next trauma.

*

"You know we've got people gossiping?" I tell him once we're sat down.

"You mean the all seeing all knowing NGS?"

"The what?"

"NGS. You know." Nope I don't, I shake my head at him laughing. "Nurse Gossip Squad."

"Right." I humour him. "The NGS." I know my sarcasm isn't lost on him.

He ignores me. "So what exactly have they been snooping for?"

"Oh, you know. The ongoing 'are they aren't they, will they wont they' saga." I say nonchalantly. "Which is kinda dumb. We've been there; we screwed it up, damaging our friendship along the way. But I guess they don't realise that we don't want to go down that route again. Right?"

He slowly nods his head in agreement, but I'm finding it difficult to read that look in his eyes. It almost looks regretful and pained, but it's gone before I can analyse it further. 

Before I can stop myself I carry on justifying my words, his expression has left an unsettled feeling in my stomach. "I mean we hurt each. We…"

"Come on let's order." He interrupts me.

*

"Where's my ray of sunshine gone?" Susan asks, interrupting my rampant thoughts.

I've been sat in one of the empty exam rooms for the last few hours, under the disguise of working on some charts; I just haven't been able to concentrate.

"The ER vortex has finally cracked me." I force a smile, the last thing I need is Susan worrying about me. I know that if she knew what has been going through my head over these last few weeks, and even more so over the last few hours, the questions would be flying.

"Uh huh." She shakes her head at me; guess I need to improve my ability to lie. "Come on Abby, you can't pull the wool over my eyes."

I watch as she sits on the gurney in front of me, talking as she moves. "So you're telling me that even though both you and Carter were walking on cloud nine this morning and then you both come back from lunch looking miserable as sin that both your moods are a result of the ER vortex cracking you."

"I guess." I reply without much conviction and completely avoiding her eyes.

I feel her hand rest softly, comforting, on my shoulder. "You know you can talk to me, right?"

I nod slowly, forcing my head up to meets her eyes, and then I say softly. "We were supposed to be working through it"

"So what happened?"

"Things keep getting in our way… our past… what happened."

"But you can't work through things if you ignore everything that has happened."

"That's the point. I said some things that I probably should have left locked up…"

"This way he knows where you stand."

I pause momentarily, not sure if I want to admit this, not sure if it would help. There's only one way to find out. "But that's the whole point. I don't know where we stand."

The look she gives me is one of confusion. So I explain my whole Will and Grace theory, which initially she finds rather amusing, but she soon senses my own feelings. So I continue telling her everything, how confused I am, the feelings that I had hoped were gone, but are literally waiting on the sidelines for me to crack and admit the truth."

"What is the truth?"

"That I haven't stopped caring for him." I can't say love, not yet – even when we together I was never able to fully let myself believe this.

"You should tell him then."

"Right." I laugh nervously. Me, Abby Lockhart, actually putting myself on the line, that's a joke right? I may have changed, grown as a person, but I'm not ready for that yet. Since Carter left I've finally managed to put my life back on track, granted it's more of a career track than an emotionally one, but who needs the comfort of a relationship. Not me. Then before I can stop myself I utter, "I'm scared." 

"What of?" It's too late to dig myself out of this hole and who knows maybe talking will get it out of my system.

"That history will repeat it self." I say almost dejectedly.

"Well don't let it."

"So what happens next time Eric goes off his meds and interrupts us, or if Carter decides that actually Africa is where he belongs and coming back was a mistake. What do I do then?" I look her in the eyes, almost daring her to respond, pleading with her to tell me what the answers are.

"You talk to him."

"And what if he doesn't want to?"

"Then you confront him and make him deal with it."

"I don't know if I can."

"Abby you're stronger than this. Hell you're stronger he is and I know that if this is what you want then nothing, not work, not timing. No-one will get in your way."

"And what if he doesn't want me anymore?"

"Are you completely blind?"

Yeah I guess I must be.

"The guy has literally followed you around for the last few weeks. He's helped you through your exams and I know you two are spending Christmas together." She smiles at this last part; I guess I really don't make a good liar.

"Well I'm not sure if we will be now."

"What happened at lunch?"

"I jokingly said that the nurses have been gossiping about us and that they are way off base, as neither one of us wants to go through the hurt and pain that we caused each other. Then after that he changed the topic and barely said a word."

"Well doesn't that tell you something?"

"Yeah, it tells me I bruised his ego."

"Susan, your guy in exam 3 has crashed." Lydia briefly pokes her head in.

"Abby." Her tone is serious. "Think about it, think about what you want, how Carter has reacted. Remember I'm here if you need to talk."

I watch her leave the room, leaving me to my thoughts.

*

"Hey Carter." I smile at him as I walk towards my locker, glad to finally be going home. He nods a response. I guess he's still mad at me. "You catching the El back?" I ask trying to keep my voice level. His attitude is beginning to bug me. The same attitude that stopped him looking at me during the last two trauma cases.

"I've got the jeep." He replies, and I guess that is all he has to say to me. I put on my coat and wrap my scarf tightly around my neck.

"Well, see you later then?"

"Yeah." He barely looks my way.

Well fine two can play this game. I slam my locker shut and hastily put on my gloves as I walk out the door. I get halfway towards the exit when I spot Susan. I smile briefly at her and stop, she's right if Carter and I are going to get anywhere we need to communicate. 

Turning on my heel I burst back into the lounge, where Carter is staring at me. His whole body looks completely defeated and my heart momentarily goes out to him.

"I er… I er…" I stumble over what I want to say. "I just wanted to check what you're bringing round on Thursday."

"You said dessert right?"

"Um yeah." A smile forces it's way to my lips, I'm relieved that he still wants to come round. So relived that I blurt out the next part, I should really look into that whole thinking before I speak thing. "So you're still coming?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" He asks, getting up from his chair at the table and moves towards me. My breath momentarily catching, as he gets closer.

"After lunch today." Communication I chant over to myself, we need communication. "I wasn't sure where we stood. Or what you wanted."

He reaches for my hand and slowly caresses it with his thumb. Goosebumps moving through my body, I'd forgotten how good his touch felt. Involuntarily I lean into him, only able to stop myself through sheer will.

Looking up I try to read his expression. I'm amazed at what I see.

**Author's notes:** Sorry it took so long to get this latest chapter out. Things to do, people to see etc. Hope you all enjoy and thank-you so much for the latest reviews of encouragement, they really do inspire authors to continue when they know their efforts are being appreciated. All criticism is greatly appreciated.


	6. Part 6

Chapter 6 

It takes a moment for me to break away from his spell. The way his eyes melt into my soul is rather disconcerting, I know what he wants, what he's thinking and if I lean slightly closer. But it's not what I need right now, if we let our emotions rule how we act then we'll end up back the way we were. Sure, we were happy in the beginning, but see how that turned out.

I take a step back, our hands still entwined and hanging between us as our only connection. It would be so easy to close back the distance and let myself be held by him. As I look back into his eyes I see the desire has changed to one of regret, again. I hate that I'm doing it to him, I just don't think we're at a point where either of us are ready. Not while there are things still hanging out there, slightly out of reach but still in our sight waiting for an opportune moment to strike.

"You fancy getting some dinner?" I ask, breaking the silence that has engulfed us both for the last few moments.

"I don't know."

"Please." My eyes plead with him and my hand is still enclosed in his, I can't find the will to break the hold between us. We're working alternate shifts now until Christmas and I don't think I could handle spending that day with him with so much tension in the air. "My treat." I try to seal the deal.

"Sure." I let out a quiet sigh that I didn't realize I was holding. "Not too late though, I've got some foundation stuff to deal with."

"No problem." I reply. "Grab your coat and we'll go."

"Okay," he chuckles. "But you're going to have to give me my hand back."

Right, yeah, woops. I drop his hand and wait by the door for him. As he returns I half expect him to pick it up again, though when he doesn't it isn't too much of a problem we're going outside and being part of some gossip session is not high on my list of priorities.

*

On the way home, we decided it would be easier to get takeout and eat back at my place. So after a small argument deciding whether pizza or Chinese was the way to go, we settled on Mac Donald's as it was closest and are now sat my kitchen table munching through the 20 nuggets we bought to share.

"Weird day huh?" I glance up in his direction and give him a warm smile, which he returns.

"You mean the group of Lord of Thing Rings enthusiasts we got in?"

I giggle at the memory of our earlier patients. Who would have thought a re-enactment would be so dangerous and who would have thought the number in that cult would be so vast. But that's not quite what I was referring to and looking at him I know he understands what I meant. I also know he has to leave pretty soon so I need to get whatever is happening between us out in the open so we can work our way through the mess. "So where do we go from here?"

"I… er…" I guess he wasn't ready for me to come out and ask.

 "I think... I just… we need to talk about what happened at lunch." Because this is driving me insane, I add silently.

"You're right." I'm glad he agrees with me, I guess I just hoped he would start it rolling, but his silence confirms otherwise.

"What I said at lunch about what the nurses were gossiping…"

"The NGS you mean?" He interrupts me, with a glint in his eye, and is his attempt to lighten up the tension we've suddenly created.

I roll my eyes at him, before continuing. "I thought we'd decided to just be friends."

"We did." He answers dejectedly.

"So what was with the attitude earlier?"

"I don't know." 

I can tell he's lying. "Just tell me the truth."

I hear him mutter under his breath something along the lines of 'you don't want to hear it'.

I reach across the table, laying my hand gently on his arm. "Susan feels we need to try actual communication if we're going to go anywhere with 'us'."

"You spoke to Susan about 'us'?" He asks, obviously shocked, using the same emphasis on 'us' as I did.

"Well it was more that she dragged it out of me."

He raises an eyebrow in mock disbelief. "What did you to talk about?"

"Us."

"Really?" A hopeful smile appears on his face as I nod in confirmation. "Anything I should know about?"

I nod again, pausing as I work out how to word what I want to say. It was so much easier talking to Susan, earlier everything had come out in a flurry of emotions; now I'm not sure how to even begin. 

"You want to tell me?" I nod again, biting my lip nervously. "How about you try telling me how you feel."

That seems like a good idea, especially in principle. Practically I think my mouth has somehow disengaged from my head and is refusing to even work. Taking a deep breath I open my mouth and hope. "Nervous." I manage to muster.

"Why?" He asks softly.

I gulp down the lump that has come up into my throat. "Because what I say may change everything."

"That's not necessarily a bad thing."

"But it might be." My gaze has dropped down to our fingers that have somehow interlinked.

"You think things could get any worse than before?"

"I just don't want to lose you again." I whisper, not believing how hard this is.

"Abby look at me." He waits until I've lifted my head up and I'm looking into his eyes before he continues. "You wont lose me. But I need you to be honest with me."

"Okay." I say automatically. "You have to be honest with me too."

"I was always honest with you."

"Not at the end, you just shut me out." I take this opportunity to take back my hand, using the pretence of wanting another nugget.

"But we haven't ended yet."

Chewing through my food, I swallow quickly and reply. "So what was the last six months about?"

"A momentary lapse." I watch him move his chair closer to mine, and then he cups my face with his soft hands. "I told you, I made a mistake, I needed to sort myself out and so did you." His eyes pleading with me as he speaks. "And if I stayed I don't know where we would be right now."

"We could have sorted it, if we really wanted to." I say to him, but I don't really believe that. So I shake my head and rephrase. "You're right, we probably would have screwed ourselves up even further. At least now we've had chance to work out what we want."

"What do you want?"

"To be happy." 

"Are you happy now?"

"Right now?" He's looking at me closely and nodding. Waiting for me to be honest with him. "I guess so. Works going well, Maggie and Eric are fine. It's just something's missing."

"Or maybe someone?" He asks hopefully and smiles.

I nod. "I just don't want to put myself out there and get hurt again. I don't think I could handle that kind of pain."

"And you think I can? But I'm willing to try and make things work."

I move his hands from my face and entwine his fingers with mine as we rest them on the table in front of us. "So, say we do try to take things further. Try to be 'us' again. What happens the next time Eric or Maggie goes off their meds and you resent me for going to help them."

"I never resented you. I just wanted you with me while I grieved."

"I tried to make it work. How could I choose between my brother who could just take off any moment, my brother who I thought was dead?" Even the thought of what phone call I could have gotten tightens my throat. "He needed me, John."

"I needed you to." His voice sounds pained as he talks.

"And I was there for you. I never meant to get stuck with Eric and if I could have come to you I would have done. I made a choice, which I thought was best for everyone. It just didn't work out." I say the last bit dejectedly.

"And that just turned into the beginning of our downward spiral." He says regretfully.

"No. That was just the middle. What about your…" I drift off. I take my right hand from his and rest my chin in it. Exhausted by the route this conversation is taking.

"What about my what?" He probes.

"You were going to propose." I drop my eyes from his again.

"I thought I explained that."

"You said that it didn't feel right. What's changed? You think this time it will end any better?" I want him to explain what's different this time; I want him to convince me that this time everything will be okay.

"Yes I do." He tells me aggressively. "Last time we were just starting out, trying to find our feet. We both needed to work out where we should be heading on our own, and I think we've done that."

"You always wanted to fix me." I whisper.

"I only wanted you to be happy with yourself and you are, and I had nothing to do with that. I just want to be able to reap the benefits. I knew that marriage at that time would have been wrong. We just weren't ready." He reaches over and brushes the hair that has fallen across my face and lets his hand softly caress my cheek. "I think we're both ready to give 'us' another go."

I agree with him, I really do, but, and there's a huge painful but. "You promise you won't run away again."

"I can't promise that I won't leave again, but I will talk to you about it."

I smile; at least this is a start. "Thanks."

"Anything else." There's nothing that I can think of at the moment, so I shake my head. Then he continues. "I want you to promise me something now. You need to talk to me too, you have to be honest and open up."

"I can try." I watch his face light up. I really want to make this work. "We'll have to take things slow." He nods. "And between nursing and being a med student I don't know how much time I'll have to spend on us."

"I can help with that." I know what he's implying, but I can't accept it. It was bad enough asking Richard to co-sign my loan, I don't want to accept anything from Carter so I shake my head. "Hear me out okay, I've been thinking about this for a while. You can either consider it three ways. You can either accept the money as a gift, which I know you wont even go there."

He adds on the latter as he sees me viscously shake my head and try to speak. "So I was thinking you could either take out a non-interest loan? Or the Foundation is setting up a sponsorship programme and you could be our first sponsored student." 

"I can't take your money." 

"Technically it wouldn't be my money."

"I'm not a charity case and I'm doing fine on my own." I tell him adamantly. 

"You're running yourself into the ground. At least let me lend you something to tide you over."

"I'm doing fine." I insist.

"I thought you were going to be honest with me."

He has got a point; it just doesn't seem right to take money from him. Despite the fact that he can afford it and it would solve a lot of my problems I don't want to go down that particular route with him. But he does want me to be honest, so I explain this to him. Though it seems like today he has an answer for everything.

"My lawyers can draw up a legal document, everything will be one hundred percent official and you can take however long you need to pay it back."

"Can I think about it?" I say, knowing he won't drop it until he gets some kind of answer.

"Sure." He takes that moment to look at his watch. "I have to go soon. Are we okay?"

Are we? I guess we are. "Yeah." 

Although we haven't officially declared ourselves as 'us', I feel I should take my first bold move. Getting to my feet, I take Carters hands and pull him to his feet. Reaching up on my toes I slowly and sensuously place a soft kiss on his lips.

Before he has chance to register what I've done I wrap my arms around his waist and pull him closer. Loving the feel of how close we are. I mutter into his chest. "I missed you so much."

He answers in a similar tone. "I missed you too." Then he softly places a kiss on my forehead before relaxing into our familiar embrace.

Our moment passes too quickly and before I realise it Carter is pulling away from me. I want to protest, but he has his Foundation duties and I need to sleep before my next marathon shift.

"I really have to go." He says, locking my eyes with his own.

"I know." I make the first move again and reach up to caress his lips with my own. Our kiss deepening with each second until I finally, reluctantly break it.

Walking him to the door I realise this will be the last time I'll see him before Christmas Day. So I arrange to meet him before his shift tomorrow night, an hour has to be better than nothing.

His kisses me gently on the cheek, squeezes my hand and walks away.

**Author's notes**:  For those of you who enjoyed my last ending! Cliffhangers are kinda my specialty! I used them all the time in Trouble with Happiness and figured it was time for a come back! Sorry if it was cruel and I didn't realize it would take this long to get out this chapter, but I hope you enjoyed it.

Thanks again to everyone who reviewed and supported my last chapter, I really appreciate it. :D


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